living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize