Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
