I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
