theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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