he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
