Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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