May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
