We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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