I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my phone needs a breathalizer
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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