I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
