i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize