when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
