I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
