Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
