Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
