That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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