Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
