I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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