I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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