I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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