i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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