The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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