I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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