i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
