Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
