I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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