I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think I sprained my soul last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
