we're chasing vodka with high fives
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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