I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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