theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
