I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
