I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
