I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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