it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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