Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
