today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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