When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
