I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
