I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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