I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
