I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
