He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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