the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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