very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
