why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
