We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
