I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
