I'm jealous of your bromance
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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