Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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