Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
