at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
