apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
