dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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