dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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