My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You've changed since you got that strap on
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
