It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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